Forgiveness
by Merida Hughsie
Summary: This is for dashing-away. I am your secret santa in the Chelsie Holiday Exchange on tumblr. Since you had no special wishes, I picked a scene that should have happened in Season 4 after the whole mess about Grigg. I hope you enjoy it and are not in any way disappointed.


This is for dashing-away. I am your secret santa in the Chelsie Holiday Exchange on tumblr. Since you had no special wishes, I picked a scene that should have happened in Season 4 after the whole mess about Grigg. I hope you enjoy it and are not in any way disappointed.

_Forgiveness_

_„It seems a pity not to take the chance to end a quarrel. Isn't it better than to let things fester?"_

Mrs Crawley's words burnt a hole into his heart ever since she had first uttered them – unsure if he would really listen, but unable to just let it go. They had slowly cut into him, but for other reasons than Mrs Crawley might think. Not Grigg and his contentment was high on his list of priorities, but being out of sorts with another person of his close acquaintance was almost unbearable to him. Charles often bickered with his housekeeper and he had to admit that sometimes he fought harshly and not entirely fair. Many of his comments could be interpreted as insults to her respectability and character.

_"I never thought you a woman with no standards."_

_ "There is no need for sentimentality."_

_ "I don't understand you." – "No, you wouldn't."_

He had seen the hurt in her eyes at each of these instances and it had cut him deeply – more deeply than his words could have hurt her. The very moment his words had left his mouth he had wished desperately that he could have taken them back, at the very least ask humbly for her forgiveness. Alas, it hadn't been meant to go that way; he was too stubborn and she was usually far too quick for him … like the sand being washed away from under his feet that day on 'their' beach or the sand of time in the merciless hourglass running ceaselessly through his fingers.

For a number of years now Charles had secretly dreamt of one day in the not-too-distant future asking Mrs Hughes to retire together with him and he would finally be able to tell her all he had wanted to for years. It was a future he had envisioned since her cancer scare, caring for her, loving her … but now, due to his own stupidity, he had ruined it. She would never want him if he couldn't treat her with the respect and devotion she so deserved – if he couldn't accept her interference of his life as his friend, much less as his wife.

Mrs Crawley's words came back to him, _"… the chance to end a quarrel."_ How could he end this particular quarrel? He wasn't in fact sure if they even were quarrelling.

Mrs Hughes, his darling Elsie, had wanted to help him and had done what she thought right and honourable – befitting the man _"of honour and integrity"_ she saw in him. Charles had acted childishly and petulantly, holding on to the long-standing crutch he had against Grigg, pushing her back roughly and lashing out against her for lack of another (more deserving) target for his anger. He had not faced Grigg because he knew that he wouldn't be able to hold on to his anger, but Mrs Hughes had stubbornly inserted herself between the two men in the direct line of fire. Charles was ashamed to admit that his dear Elsie, his good, charitable angel, had borne the brunt of their pent-up decades-old anger and become a casualty in their fight over an undeserving woman.

Even now as he was walking into Downton to at least see Grigg off on his way to Belfast (and see for himself that he wouldn't return this time), Charles felt his step falter, the tips of his ears and his cheeks suffusing with red-hot shame, while his heart beat sped up. He needed to make up for his colossal error in judgement … and that was the crux of his problem.

He had no idea how.

oOoOoOo

Days had gone by and he was still not sure how he could apologize to Elsie – or even if she would still accept his apology. They had walked back together from the station, silently, not even looking at each other. Since then she had given him a lovely picture frame for his picture of Alice, so that he could place it on his desk and be reminded of his love for her each day.

Charles was not overly romantic (at least he was the only one believing that lie), but he had to admit that this had been the single most thoughtful gift he had ever received. Elsie had not been angry with him and not held a crutch against him, had been charm and grace personified, and still the big oaf that he was had not apologized to her, had barely mustered a thank you.

It was utterly disgraceful! He was disgusted with himself and it showed.

Snapping at his footmen and barking often contradictory orders to Mr Barrow, Charles paced irritably through the downstairs corridors, a dark cloud almost literally forming over his head. The maids scurried out of his way and he saw Daisy seek refuge behind the housekeeper. To make matters worse Elsie only regarded him with a concerned look, worrying her bottom lip but not interfering for fear of upsetting him even more. She had grown ever more weary of him these past tense days.

All he knows now and despairs over is how to set it right – how to set _them_ right.

oOoOoOo

Elsie was sure she would go entirely mad if she had to go one more evening without her glass of wine or sherry or cup of tea with Mr Carson. She wasn't really sure what had caused his current mood, but she was almost certain that he didn't still hold her interference with Mr Grigg against her. He was brooding over something though, and it upset him deeply. You had to be blind not to notice that. Everyone from the lowliest scullery maid to Lady Mary stayed out of his way unless it was absolutely necessary to cross his path, but Mr Carson was actively avoiding her.

That had never happened before and it frightened Elsie. She didn't know what to do about this situation, what she could do to bring them back on track.

Sighing Elsie walked past his pantry and peeked into the room. Mr Carson was standing over his desk, hands braced against the top of his desk and a deep frown on his face. There was something lying on the table in front of him. That something had him scowling more and more the longer he stared down on it until he huffed mightily and scooped it up. Now Elsie could make out that it was a sheet of paper, which he was still studying closely. Horrified she watched how he crumbled it up in one of his big paws and threw it in his waste paper basket, muttering darkly under his breath.

He was completely oblivious to the fact that he was being watched, tugging at the bottom of his waistcoat (a sure sign of his nervousness, Elsie knew) and straightening to his full (impressive) height. With a visible effort he tried to calm himself and resurrect his mantel of authority around him.

Elsie caught her bottom lip between her teeth to keep a deep sigh in. It pained her heart to see him this ill at ease, battling with an invisible enemy over something or other. Briefly she wondered what was in that letter he had crumbled and thrown away. Instantly she shook herself and chided her inner self. It was none of his business; he had made that clear the last time she had … snooped. Whatever that letter contained had him upset and in turn upset her, but she wouldn't interfere – not this time. She had promised herself and him silently that she would make it up to him. He had felt like she had betrayed his trust and she would not give him reason to doubt her again.

But …

_No, Elsie, you won't do him any favours by interfering, by … invading his personal space._

The stern talking-to didn't help at all. She could feel the curiosity eating away at her and she was deeply unsettled seeing him like this. He was very dear to her, had slowly and quietly stolen her heart never to give it back. Now she couldn't see him suffer or unhappy for it broke her heart to see his magnificent brows drawn together, his jaw set in a tight line. She wanted to see him smile again, wanted to hear him whistle …or even, her heart skipped a beat, sing.

With a start she realized that Charles was coming towards her and she hastily stepped back, pretending to just step out of her parlour and running into him.

"Mrs Hughes!" Charles grunted as the wind was knocked out of him by her petite body. Instinctively he wrapped his arms around her to keep her from falling back into her room. Straightening himself, he suddenly became aware of their close proximity and the tips of his ears turned red. She was too close … and he was still too … unsure of what he wanted, what to say.

Elsie flushed scarlet as she felt his body pressed so intimately against her own. She had meant to bump into his shoulder, but had not anticipated his momentum. She breathed deeply to regain her composure, but suddenly her senses were overwhelmed by him. Closing her eyes she breathed out and forced herself to step back, out of his overwhelming power over her.

"I'm sorry, Mr Carson." She was glad to note that her voice sounded normal, even as her heart was beating rapidly and her breath came in short bursts.

He nodded curtly and hastily beat a retreat. She was entirely too close for his equilibrium to stay stable. This here was another aspect of his dilemma. Whenever he had found the courage to speak to her, he became tongue-tied as soon as she was close. He had stood in front of her door on countless occasions, soundlessly coming up behind her and observing her. She was beautiful in the soft lamplight of her room and he lost the ability to speak again … and that had been the reason why he had thought a letter would be better to express her guilt over how he had treated her and beg her forgiveness. Then he had picked up his pen and been more than content to let the words pour out, but upon rereading it he had felt it inadequate.

oOoOoOo

As soon as he had rounded the corner, Elsie had leaned back against the wall and put a hand over her wildly beating heart, willing it to still. She could feel the heat radiating off her cheeks and pressed the cool fingers of her other hand to them. Her already weak resolve to leave his letter alone evaporated and she quickly peaked along the corridor to see if the coast was clear. Hastening into his room, she pushed his door to, softly shutting it to make sure she was alone. Creeping over to his desk, she leant down to retrieve the letter.

Her keys chimed softly against her hip as she straightened up again, unfolding the sheet of paper carefully so as not to tear it. She squinted terribly at the smeared words. Apparently the ink had still been wet when he had crumbled it and tossed it away. Elsie couldn't make out what it said, especially not in this dark room.

She decided to go back to her own room where he wasn't likely to swoop in unannounced.

oOoOoOo

Beryl saw Elsie sneak out of Mr Carson's pantry and go back into her own room … at least she thought it was what Elsie had had in mind. As she looked on, Elsie stopped in the middle of the corridor, directly under the light hanging from the ceiling, and unfolded a piece of paper.

She observed how Elsie read, tears slowly gathering in her eyes and catching in her lashes. Her friend gasped and pressed her free hand to her mouth. Before it touched her skin Beryl could see the slight trembling of her fingers. She hoped it wasn't bad news.

oOoOoOo

Elsie's heart was fit for bursting as she read his sweet words. She hadn't been able to stop herself and wait until she was sequestered in her room. The light was perfect here and she had been too curious to keep the letter untouched. As she read through the letter, she felt the tension of the last weeks drain from her body and she understood Charles' reaction more. All of it made perfect sense to her now.

_Dearest Elsie,_

_I cannot tell you any of this personally. You are the most important person to me and more you are my closest confidante, but now I find myself unable to speak to you._

_What I have to tell you should be easy to say. I wanted to apologize for my behaviour these past weeks and my unforgivable lashing out against you. You did nothing wrong, only ever wanting to help and I see that now clearly. You have always done everything in your power to right a wrong._

_But Grigg is a wrong you cannot right – as much as you might try. He has always lived off the kindnesses of others and their gullibility. I could not stand to see you hurt or tainted by him, but I couldn't articulate any of that. You are pure and could never possibly understand the evil of a man like Grigg._

_Moreover I couldn't stand to lose your respect and friendship once you realized that I had been tainted by association with Grigg. I have never been proud of my years on the stage and he is the reason for my twisted memories._

_Your kindness had been wasted on him and I was afraid to think of your kindness being wasted on me._

_The truth is I can't go on without your kindness, without your friendship in my life. You have healed the old wounds and stitched up the scares Grigg and Alice had inflicted all these years ago. I have long ago lost my heart to you and I'm loath to give it back._

_Please accept my humble apology and maybe you will find it in your heart to forgive me my sins._

_Ever yours,_

_Charles _

Closing her eyes against the flood of emotions swelling in her heart, Elsie pressed the letter to her chest over her heart. His words echoed in her mind in his own remarkable voice. She could almost feel his breath on her cheek as he spoke those words in her ear.

She had to find him. She had to see him and tell him that she had never truly been angry with him, only baffled because she didn't understand him.

oOoOoOo

Charles stood uncomfortably in the dining room, checking unnecessarily the correct setting of each place. He knew that he was running away from Elsie, hiding behind his work, but unable to banish her from his mind.

"You are a bloody coward, Charlie," he mumbled darkly, hearing Grigg's voice in his mind. He really was unworthy of her if he couldn't even face her.

"You are many things, Charles Carson, but never that," a female voice behind him said gently, barely suppressing its hurt emotions – a voice he knew well and loved dearly.

Turning around, apprehensive of her justified wrath, he looked behind him and saw his darling Elsie stand behind him, looking anxiously up to him. Charles could clearly see how much he had hurt her … but also a myriad of other emotions in her clear blue eyes. Dropping his gaze in shame, he did the bravest thing in his entire life; he bared his soul to her. "I am truly ashamed of my behavior and I wanted to apologize to you, Mrs Hughes."

Suddenly her arms engulfed him and he felt his face being drawn down against her shoulder as she cradled his head to the warm folds of her black dress – over her still wildly beating heart. Charles closed his eyes and let go – let go of his feeble control over his fear, anger, desperation, sadness and joy. It all burst forth, drowning Elsie's voice out, blinding him to their surroundings – the family could have walked in right then and he wouldn't have noticed. He wasn't aware that he was sobbing at first because of the emotions crashing over him, but slowly it registered and he pressed his face deeper into Elsie's shoulder. He hadn't allowed himself to show any emotions since coming back into service after his years of foolishness on the stage, but now he had nothing to lose except his pride … and what was his pride in the face of Elsie Hughes' forgiveness? At least he hoped she would one day forgive him for his many faults.

"I …" Again he wanted to utter those feeble words of apology. Now that the dam had broken, he found it easy say what was on his heart.

Elsie didn't need to hear his apology again, didn't want him to eat humble pie. She needn't hear any other words than that he loved her. She interrupted him by tilting his face up, making him look at her, and kissed his lips softly. As he wanted to withdraw again, she cupped the back of his head and held him in place. Softly, as soft as she knew how, she caressed his lips with hers, hoping to show him how much she loved him, that she had already forgiven him. At long last his lips moved against hers, reciprocating the kiss with ardor, drawing her closer to him with his arms around her waist.

"I love you too, Charles, have for a long time. That is why I interfered. I love you, Charles," she murmured against his lips.

A deep rumbling sigh escaped Charles and he felt all the tension drain from his body. "I love you, my darling Elsie," he breathed between kisses. He was back in her good books, they were back in agreement.


End file.
